


Letting Go

by Cassiopeia12727



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst, Episode: s05e17 All Souls, F/M, Fic Exchange, MSR, Prompt Fic, Romantic Angst, Season/Series 05, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-16 09:15:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29573748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cassiopeia12727/pseuds/Cassiopeia12727
Summary: Scully is unable to return to work after losing Emily and seeing visions of her in All Souls.
Relationships: Fox Mulder & Dana Scully, Fox Mulder/Dana Scully
Comments: 12
Kudos: 26
Collections: X-Files Dialogue Fanfic Exchange (2021)





	Letting Go

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nateheywood](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nateheywood/gifts).



> Thanks to [ nateheywood](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nateheywood) for my dialogue exchange prompt, "I thought you weren't coming back?", and for giving me so much freedom in the genre that I could choose. I had a variety of ideas that took the sentence into different directions, but I decided to go with angst. In my canon-divergent story, Scully is unable to let go of Emily. I hope you like my fic!  
> Thanks a lot to [ FridaysAt9](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FridaysAt9) for volunteering to do my beta!

Although it hurt Mulder to see his partner go, he needed her to find peace, and if healing from her loss of Emily meant her quitting, then he had to accept that — even if doing so meant that he would have to suffer the pain of not having her by his side. He had hoped that after Emily's funeral, Scully would turn to work as a distraction from her grief. After all, that had been the way that she had coped with difficult times in the past. However, the opposite had been true when they started to work on the quadruplet case that reminded her of her daughter's passing and the profound feelings of guilt associated with it. Mulder had been surprised to hear that Scully had even had visions of Emily, something that seemed very unlike her and a revelation that spoke volumes about the emotional turmoil that she was in.

Mulder recalled their conversation after Scully had returned from her confession with Father McCue.

She didn't go into detail about what she had discussed with the clergyman, but her face had told him everything that he had needed to know.

Revealing her thoughts and feelings had never come easy to Scully, so she had kept her announcement back at the office brief. It was also the brevity of her words that made them hurt like a knife to Mulder's heart.

"I'm leaving."

Mulder's mouth had opened, but the words had failed to come.

"For good," she had added, eradicating any glimmer of hope.

Mulder had been quiet for what seemed like ages.

“This is about Emily and the case that we were working on,” he had stated, waiting for her confirmation.

Scully had nodded quickly, her eyes brimming with tears.

Mulder was briefly considering probing further, knowing that, despite all the pain that finding Emily and losing her so shortly after had caused, there had to be more to it. He surmised that Emily may have reminded his partner of the life that she was missing out on. However, Scully, anticipating his questions, shook her head.

"I understand."

He did. If there was any reason to leave, Emily was one that he could relate to, given his own personal loss. He had grown fond of the little girl himself, although he did not share the motherly bond with her that Scully had had. Nevertheless, he still couldn't bear the thought of working and spending his days without Scully. He had realized long ago that she was so much more to him than just a partner. He now regretted his cowardice in never confessing his romantic feelings to her. It had scared him that she would walk right out without ever finding out; the big _What If?_ hovering in the air, unanswered. The worst part was how wildly inappropriate it would have been to tell her that he loved her, in order to convince her to stay. She was grieving the loss of her daughter. Who was he to put his own need for closure above hers? He wanted to give her all the love that she needed, but she would no doubt feel indebted to him, being too devastated to reciprocate.

Scully had looked at him, pausing, as if she expected him to say more, but Mulder had remained silent.

Not having a desk of her own, there hadn't been much for Scully to pack. She had just grabbed her jacket and made her way to the door.

"Scully?"

She had swiveled around.

"Stay in touch."

Mulder hadn't been sure if he had seen a flash of disappointment in her eyes and a slumping of her shoulders, or if he had been projecting his own disappointment of her leaving and him not coming up with a better goodbye to her.

She had opened her mouth, as if to say something. Even after closing it again, she briefly paused, just quietly looking over to him, then turned on her heels and left.

And that had been it.

She could not possibly fathom how much willpower it had taken him to not say more. Had he used too many words, he would have gotten tangled up in a conversation that would have led to the inevitable discussion of how much he really wanted her to stay, because he simply couldn't function without her.

Now, their physical distance was driving an ever-increasing wedge between them emotionally, as well. Many times since Scully's departure, Mulder had resisted the urge to _really_ reach her through a call. However, whenever he picked up the phone, with the urge for having a more personal conversation burning in his chest (mostly late at night, when he lay awake sleepless), he stared at it, until he placed the receiver back down.

When he did call, he mostly did so when he was more sober-minded, checking in on her as a former co-worker, but he did not want to discuss his current cases, which she was likely not interested in anyway. Being personal started to feel awkward.

They had even lost their usual playful banter that involved him making silly jokes and her almost audibly rolling her eyes in exasperation but smiling nonetheless.

And he needed her to smile so badly. He felt helpless, wanting to cheer her up, wanting to make her feel loved and showing her that everything was going to be okay and that there _were_ still things worth living for. Heck, if she wanted to try to be a mother, he would do anything in his power to make it happen. Scully was his only hope in this bleak world, and he could not have her lose faith in the purpose of it all. Nonetheless, he knew that he had to respect her detachment.

Mulder felt that he had lost his soulmate, and he didn't know how to bring her back. He could handle never being able to kiss her, the love of his life, but he could not live without her friendship. He needed her proximity, her wit and her strength, as much as the moments in which she showed tenderness.

  
  


His concentration had been dismal, ever since she left, and the same was the case at that very moment, as he was sitting at his desk in the basement office. Leaning back in his chair, he stared at the ceiling. The pencil holes were yet another reminder of Scully's absence, mementos of her solo trip to Maine.

Maybe it was time for him to quit, too. He still wanted to find out what happened to his sister, but exposing the people who had abducted her was now much lower on his list of priorities.

With his thoughts circling around how much he loved to fondly call her Dana in his head (a name so beautiful and soft, so very fitting), Mulder was startled by a sound.

Were those stilettos walking down the hallway? Mulder sat up straight in his chair.

He wasn't sure if this was just his mind playing tricks on him. It could also have very well been another female agent. Although...how often did someone actually show up down in the bowels of the J. Edgar Hoover Building, whether by accident, because they had gotten lost, or on purpose?

Mulder kept listening for the click-clack of the heels on the linoleum, which continued to get closer and closer.

The sound stopped in front of the door.

There was a brief moment of hesitation, in which Mulder held his breath, and the door slowly opened, revealing his former partner peeking in. She hesitantly stepped into the basement office.

"I thought you weren't coming back?" Mulder greeted her in a low rumble.

"I wasn't planning to," Scully replied, her voice cracking.

She instinctively reached for the door knob, but she did not turn to leave.

"Why would you? You were right to quit. Leave, before you get sucked right back in, Scully." He was pleading more than suggesting, although he craved for her to come back. He was holding her gaze unblinkingly.

Scully sighed and closed her eyes, rubbing her forehead.

"You know that it's true. You've lost so much already: Your health, your sister, your daughter…"

"...Who I never would have found without working with you," she interrupted him.

Mulder shook his head. Why was she making this so hard for him?

"But for what, Scully? What's in it for you?"

"This," Scully stated, taking several determined strides over to his desk, causing Mulder to jerk up in anticipation.

Reaching his side of the table, she took his hands in hers and looked him deep in the eye.

"I've had a lot of time to think, and, as hard as it has been at times, I wouldn't trade _this_ for the world."

Mulder replied with a warm but sad smile, taking her into his arms.

"Oh, Scully," was all he was able to sigh.

Rubbing her lower back, Mulder placed a soft kiss on her forehead. He then rested his head in the crook of her neck, breathing in her scent. How he had yearned for the comfort of being close to her! He closed his eyes, savoring the moment.

He still wasn't sure whether she shared his romantic sentiments, but at least her statement made it clear that she had no intentions of permanently leaving him. The relief brought tears to his eyes.

Mulder swore to never let it get to this again. He would protect her from more pain and loss, and he would make even more sure that she would always be comfortable with talking through her problems with him, so that she wouldn't feel alone with the burden.

If he was unable to live without her, he had to make absolutely certain that working with him was worth her time, and, most importantly, safe.

Mulder felt Scully's hand caressing the back of his head. He was praying that she didn't notice the goosebumps that this gesture raised all over his body.

He moved his head to face her.

There was barely an inch of space separating their faces now.

Trying to meet hers, his eyes caught her staring at his mouth.

His own eyes automatically wandered to her glistening, slightly parted lips.

Suddenly, she looked up, and their eyes locked. Time seemed to slow to a standstill.

Now was the moment.

"Welcome back," he whispered through a smile.

He took a step back and rubbed her left upper arm.

She beamed back at him in response.

Another time.


End file.
